An Obscure Period of 261 Weeks

Past, Present or Future – Which one would you choose? It’s a question we all have asked atleast once in our lives. We all have different answers, opinions and some strong beliefs to back up our answers. But the real question is: Do we really have a choice? As every second ticks by, we all are just rolling through past-present-future at a pace we cannot even fathom! The importance of future lies in the present so whatever we got to do, we need to do it now, that’s how important present is, But both future and present will one day be our past, we pass through present and future, we can escape present and future but past, it collects and saves every little detail without missing anything! Past is like a memory powerhouse with infinite capacity. We can change our present, our future, but not our past, that is how critical it is!
Well, That was one-boring-philosophy-circling introduction. Excuse me *smiles and clears throat* Apologies!

As you might already know by now that the introduction you read is now in the past, so let’s dive completely into the past being in the present! And before you read any further, I just want to say that, by the end of this note, you’ll be thankful for everything in life, like you have never been before and I hope and pray you remain that way!

Ever wondered how it would be, if you have to spend 261 weeks (5 Years) in the shoes of a disabled? Before you answer, let me give you a detailed explanation of the disability.

Imagine yourself with a disability where you have it all but still cannot sense or use some of it and you cannot get rid of it either! That would be frustrating right?

Now imagine an inch of frustration per day, growing on for over 1827 days (and counting) – Too much to even think, yeah?

Now imagine, you cannot cough or sneeze or laugh out loud or do anything that gets air pressure in your lower abdomen, because of no bladder control and senses, you would pee or even shit your pants, that’s so impossible! yeah?

Now imagine, you have to make sure you don’t sit longer or be at a place no longer than 2 hours, because it would then give you sores which would take atleast a year to heal or even more. That’s so sick! Yeah?

Now imagine, that you are not allowed sleep as usual because you have to wake up every two hours at night, lift your legs with dead weight as if its somebody else’s legs, and switch sides, just to avoid skin breakdown due to pressure applied by lying in a fixed position, that’s not done, yeah?

Now imagine, you cannot eat things like eggs, pickles, rice as it would create albumin content in your urine and cause infection, turning your urine color from yellow to white pulp, eventually blocking the urine passage, which then requires medicines to cure the situation – Too much, yeah?

Now imagine, you also have a gift of CPTSD, which means, you cannot stand sudden loud noises, certain actions or words, which would trigger anxiousness and anger in you to an unbelievable extent and also you cannot stand hot climate, not even the usual hot climate, as it would give you panic attacks, making your anxious and angry – horrible, yeah?

Now also imagine, you are not supposed to express your anger and anxiousness or frustration because since you are in a pentacostal family and surrounded by the people of the same breed, your behaviour will sure be accounted as mentally ill or demonically possessed which can only be treated by annointed pastors.

Now imagine, in addition to all this, people would expect you to be with them during their hardships and knock on your doors for prayers and spiritual support, which if you fail, would mean two things – One, The relation is over. Two, You aren’t real but mean and selfish.

Now imagine, besides these physical, mental and emotional battles, you are also involved in spiritial warfares. You see demons and evil spirits with your eyes, coming at you to cause you harm but you have fight them by the annointing of the Holy Spirit. You see unusual visions and mysterious dreams which you later get to interpret through prayers. But you don’t have people who are spiritually abled to discern your journey and so you just hold it in and keep moving forward.

Now with all of these, for past 5 years, I still had to push foward towards my dreams, stay occupied at all times or else I get hit with mental low tides. I had to work and progress in every possible way I could because if I choose to give up, I would be slowly approaching death with pain, regrets and reproach!

“It means nothing and has zero value of who I used to be before I became disabled, because the job, the qualities and the abilities no longer defines me. I am not who I was. I can share what I used to do and talk about my accomplishment, but it won’t take me anywhere now. It’s funny how your own life journey becomes irrelevant in a blink of an eye! All I am now, is a guy with disability, making me realise that If I do not accept the truth that I have disability, I would be living a lie, which in itself will be a disappointment. Often when I say, I am disabled and I have a disability, people try to tell me otherwise and I really do not understand why! I am not discouraged or demotivated when I say ‘I am disabled’, I am just saying that because it is the truth and it really annoys me when people are ignorant to disabilities. You do not got upto a person with cancer and say that – ‘You dont have cancer’ and outlook their situation. If so, then what is it with us disabled that you just try to make us believe a lie that we aren’t disabled?

As long as you don’t realise how weak you are, and where your weakness lies and how that weakness would affect you, you won’t be able to strengthen yourself and overcome the weakness. Just like cancer, when have a disability, you do not ignore it, but face it and overcome it. Saying that you are disabled when you have one, isn’t a bad thing. It is the truth. But saying that you are disabled and letting that thought stop you from facing and overcoming the situation is something that has to be avoided!”

I had to make a choice the moment I realised I am disabled. Either I could try to get back to who I was and fail miserably or I could use my remaining abilities and build myself into something new and better. And it was easier to make that choice but way difficult to remain in it and I’ll tell you why!

The abilities that I picked to build my new self was talking, singing, writing, learning and thinking and to be patient with these over the course of five years was the most difficult situation. People keep approaching me, telling me that there are a lot of jobs which you can do even while staying at home, but without knowing my disability wholely, they think I am lazy *smirks*

If I am well for a week then for the coming weeks I am not, and I do not think any organization would need an employee who need workdays like holidays and holidays like workdays *laughing out loud*

In the beginning it just felt as if I am in no man’s land, but now when I look back to these 5 years being a disabled, I can see that I did so much with the abilities I picked.

Just with the ability of talking, singing, writing, learning and thinking, I have now officially acheived a title of a Teacher, Speaker, Preacher, Singer, Songwriter, Writer, Author, Poet and Evangelist. It is also true that these title didn’t get me a lot of materialistic success, but It will get me the success required in times to come. Hardwork and dedication never fades away, its fate is to meet success in the end and I can see myself on the walls of hall of fame *winks*

On a serious note, five years was not easy at all, not even a single day, it still isn’t and what keeps me going is the truth that I accepted long back. Until the day I am made whole again by God, I will be disabled and if I stop to work and better myself, my disability would kill me and my life would be wasted and I choose not to be a waste!

I also want to add this – There are a lot of people who have failed to express their disability, and there are also disabilities that are unseen. So be very careful with everyone you meet. Before to impart your wisdom or advice or behave, make sure you see their life, not through your perspective but through their lens. Only then you will know who they are, what they are going through and be a good companion to them.

Finally, I am thankful to all people and grateful to God who helped me complete 5 years with confidence and boldness. It was not easy but also not impossible.

“If you are having a bad day, instead of running around screaming and worrying, be still, trust God and remember time is passing by and the day will come to an end. Allow time to do it’s work. You do not need to worry about when the time will pass or how it will pass. Time knows its work, let it do its work and you do yours!

Phases will come and go but the moon is not moved, it still remains there, high and lit. Be like the moon.”

– Yehoshua.